alarrns

drucila616

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

skrill-cosby

oh my god these are great

princemetalthunder

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes

Soulmate AU Story Ideas

silentpeaches

Because I am complete trash for Soulmate AUs, I decided to try and make a post about them. Hope you guys like it! ♥

✖ Soulmate AUs involving measurement

[ Time // Countdown ]

Where for whatever reason, your clock is stuck/frozen/it’s not counting down anymore but it hasn’t reached 00:00:00:00 yet and you’re freaking out because this hasn’t happened to anyone before.

Reverse one where the clock starts at 00:00:00:00 from the moment you’re born and stops counting the moment you meet your soulmate, so it’s like a reminder that “It took me 19 years, 11 months, 20 hours, and 13 seconds to meet you, you fuck, and you do it by spilling coffee on me, thanks, now my laptop’s broken—what, you’re buying me a new one? Okay.”

Your soulmate clock is actually a countdown of how long your soulmate has left to live and holy shit you have to find your soulmate soon because your clock says you have three months left (for angst maybe).

Alternate version of above where your clock is a countdown of how long you and your soulmate have left to find each other or else you both will die because the universe is sadistic af—and if you find your soulmate you get to live longer.

Another alternate version of above where you and your soulmate’s clocks have each other’s life spans on it but you can give your time to your soulmate if you want to so they can live longer. Again, because the universe is sadistic af.

The soulmate clock is actually something breakable and you accidentally break yours or vice versa.

Alternate version of above where someone purposely breaks their soulmate clock so they can be with someone they fell in love with that isn’t their soulmate/they are strongly opposed to the whole soulmate idea and want to defy the system.

Your clock is counting down too fast (as opposed to everyone else’s) and you have no idea what’s going on anymore.

It’s been a busy week and after finally having some time to yourself, you just happened to look at your soulmate clock and see that it’s already at 00:00:00:00 and you don’t know when that happened because you don’t religiously check your clock either.

Your soulmate clock is actually telling you what time it is where your soulmate is currently at (could include AM/PM/time zones or not, for example 3:46:31 MDT).

I already wrote something similar to this but a countdown au where your soulmate has died and you two still happen to meet each other (one is a ghost, one is alive) and the other finds peace after the meeting.

[ Distance ]

Where you actually have a compass instead of a clock, and it leads you to where your soulmate should be.

✖ Soulmate AUs involving colors

[ Eyes ]

Reverse colors AU where you can see in color but once you meet/marry your soulmate your world turns black and white, this is how people can tell that married couples really love each other because they’re willing to give up a world of colors for their soulmate. If your soulmate dies you get to see color again.

Between you and your soulmate, only one of you can see other colors and the other sees black and white. Like you can see all the other colors except black/white/grays, and the other one can only see in black/white/grays. If you two meet, you’ll get to see all the colors.

You can see colors but realize that recently, with each passing day, your world of colors is becoming a little duller and you’re panicking because you don’t know what’s going on, or what it means, or if your soulmate is okay.

You can see colors and your world turns black and white but it doesn’t necessarily have to mean your soulmate is dead. There can be other factors that will result in a black and white world like losing eyesight, but you don’t know that.

You will be able to see the world in full color once you meet your soulmate but until then, you can only see the world in the eye color of your soulmate. However, you can alter the color your soulmate can see, for example, by wearing contact lenses. Like if you wear blue contact lenses, your soulmate sees the world in blue, purple makes them see the world in purple and etc. And you realize each day/week you get to see the world in a different color because your soulmate is being all cute and would want you to see every color there is and they probably have a huge collection of contact lenses by the time you both meet.

Everyone is born color blind and their sights are fixed once they meet their soulmate, or your soulmate is blind and you have the choice to give them your sight, but it’s irreversible and if they die, they take your sight with them.

[ Hair ]

If you dye your hair, your soulmate’s hair color changes as well and you swear the moment you see your soulmate you will choke them because you just woke up with your hair colored like a rainbow and it’s your first job interview at a prestigious company what the fuck. Oh, and your best friend just took a picture to post online and wait—what, how many likes is that?

Like the above AU but you only get highlights for the dyed color of your soulmate’s hair. If your hair color returns to normal, it means your soulmate has returned to their natural hair color too.

Related to the first two AUs—you decide to get revenge on your soulmate by dying your hair the most absurd color combination you can think of and the exchange goes back and forth until you meet each other. It can be that if you meet, you two can dye your hair without affecting the other anymore.

If your soulmate dyes their hair your fingernails turn into that color (like nail polish?) and you’re hoping your soulmate isn’t bald by the time you meet because it’s the fifth time the past two months that your nails have changed colors.

If your soulmate dyes their hair, your eyes turn into that color and you wish your soulmate wouldn’t change it again because you really like this shade in your eyes.

✖ Soulmate AUs involving any kind of body mark

[ Tattoos ]

You and your soulmate have identical tattoos on your wrist about the date when you’ll meet each other. Place and time can be included (as opposed to the countdown AUs).

Like the countdown AU, an alternate version where it’s your soulmate’s date of death that’s tattooed on your skin.

Where a tattoo isn’t set from the moment you’re born and whatever tattoos your soulmate gets, you get it too and it’s all cool because you kind of like the designs, except you also feel the pain of getting a tattoo and that sucks because you’re kind of in the middle of an exam right now and it’s getting harder to concentrate on your work.

You remove your tattoo because you hate the idea of someone dictating who you can be with for the rest of your life and the person who’s removing it happens to be your soulmate and they’re torn between letting you know and just not bringing it up because you kind of went there because you didn’t want a soulmate and vice versa.

Your tattoo is only half complete and it completes itself the moment you find your soulmate, like if you had half a heart, you’d get a full heart on your skin.

You’re not sure if the other half of your tattoo should end with this person’s words, or that one’s—wait, I think it might end with the phrase of that other person too. It’s just a very open-ended sentence…

You don’t have a name tattoo on your wrist, meaning you probably don’t have a soulmate but you didn’t want your friends to tease you about it so you had a tattoo made on your wrist about some name you picked at random because your friend said she wanted to see it soon. And then somehow there’s a person claiming to be your soulmate and they’re kind of cute and sweet so you don’t know what to do.

Because the universe is sadistic af, it only gave you the first letter of your soulmate’s name.

Your tattoo is like a mood ring, it changes its color depending on what your soulmate is feeling at the moment and you’re not sure exactly what rainbow means.

[ Scars ]

The only way for your scars to disappear is when your soulmate kisses them goodbye.

[ Others ]

Whatever mark you get on your skin your soulmate gets it too so one day, you just kind of just get a sharpie and start writing on your skin. You definitely didn’t expect to get a reply, but you did. Now it’s five in the morning and you’re just about covered in ink and this will be a pain to wash off later.

Imagine the above point but like, your soulmate maybe falls off a bike and you write on your arm what happened, and your soulmate replies to reassure you everything’s okay. Yes, you always carry a non-permanent marker to write on your skin at all times.

You accidentally fell down the stairs and broke a leg, oh, and fate must love you because it seems your soulmate also broke the other leg (or something else) and whatever happens to the other, you feel it too (no actual injury but you feel the same amount of pain) so now you’re in the hospital and you happen to meet your soulmate in the waiting area.

Wait, imagine the above point but way into the future and you’re about to give birth and your soulmate must be cursing you and rolling on the floor by the operating table or the waiting area screaming murder and punching walls while crying. Also periods, yes periods. Okay, I’ll shut up now.

You can choose to take the pain of your soulmate away. Like if they’re sick or even if they just have a paper cut, you can choose to transfer the pain/sickness to yourself instead and they’ll heal. You can only do it once you meet them though, since what happens to them doesn’t happen to you, unless you transfer it to yourself.

Like above but what if the pain becomes two times or more worse. Imagine someone afraid of pain, and the other soulmate shouldering everything or maybe you can half the pain your soulmate feels if you can’t handle taking everything on your own.

Alternate version of above two points where you can also transfer your pain to your soulmate. ~~Imagine the payback you can do.~~

✖ Soulmate AUs involving reincarnation

There wasn’t a soulmate system in place before, now it’s about a thousand and more years later, and—wait, aren’t you the person that killed me in that back alley?

Where you’re reborn with the memories of your soulmate and you can only get your past memories if you meet each other again in this lifetime.

You somehow find a diary/journal of your old self and read through the contents of how you met your soulmate centuries ago.

Your soulmate was an artist of centuries ago, and currently, you’re an art student at university (or not but you’re taking an arts class). Then one day for a field trip, you go to a far-away museum and you just find yourself staring at what was your reflection, wearing different clothes to fit the timeline but it was definitely a split-image of you, on one of the framed displays.

Alternate version of the above where your soulmate still was an artist of centuries ago but you were there too, and you both were able to meet again in this lifetime. You don’t remember anything but you’d be at the museum, looking at the picture that looks like you with curiosity until your soulmate (who remembers everything) comes by and asks you what you think of the painting.

You’re sent to an insane asylum because everyone is convinced you’ve lost your hold on reality since you’re the only one that remembers everything from your past life. Also, that new doctor is your soulmate.

Your soulmate from the past life is not your soulmate in this life.

You become a writer and your series of novels become extremely popular, but what they don’t know is that you’re retelling your previous life where certain circumstances made it so you and your soulmate did not end up together but your soulmate promises to be with you the next lifetime. At a book signing you open the book cover of a fan’s copy to see something written on the front page: “I’m sorry I took so long.”

You don’t remember anything from your previous life but your soulmate does—your first meeting under the tree with the broken swing in summer, the way you smiled when you met each other again at the start of the school year, your eyes that were filled with such mirth and depth and beauty, even the way your hands fit together like missing piece of a puzzle—everything, even the gasps for air, the coarse little pleas, the way you stared with a look of betrayal until your bright eyes became nothing but a dull sheet of color at the hands encasing your neck in a vice grip.

You keep going to this place, and you always notice another person here too. Neither of you know that this is the place where the both of you had died/first met in the past life.

✖ Soulmate AUs involving dreams

Kind of a reincarnation AU where you’re losing the distinction between reality and dreams because when you’re asleep, you actually relive your past life, and you’re not sure if you’d much rather stay in the past or in the present anymore.

If you’re on separate time zones, when you sleep, you see the world in the eyes of your soulmate at present time. You see the world through your soulmate’s eyes, what they’re eating, who they’re talking to, the contents of the essay paper they’re trying to finish, but if they look into a mirror/reflective surface/picture, the image is blurred so you don’t really have a clue what they look like.

You see your soulmate in the eyes of their friend instead.

Imagine that soulmates just have this ability to dream together/meet each other in your dreams regardless of whether or not you two meet in real life. Your dreams could then be like a real-life video game, for example, you two could be in a zombie-apocalypse type of dream and you both would try your best to help each other out. If one gets bitten/dies you wake up and your soulmate is there to tell you everything is alright or tease you how you couldn’t shoot fast enough and then you’d both go back to sleep and maybe start round two.

Just like the above point, imagine how you and your soulmate could pretty much be with each other even after you’d both gone to your separate homes/shared bed.

Your soulmate is dead and the only way you two can see each other again is in your dreams and everyday your soulmate tries to make sure you know they love you and will always be there for you the moment you close your eyes and retire for the night.

✖ Other Soulmate AUs

You and your soulmate can communicate with thoughts and your soulmate happens to be a math major and you really need help with this test right now.

On some days, whatever your soulmate thinks of is something you can hear in your mind and your soulmate is currently reading really hardcore smut fics and you’re trying so hard not to mess up this class presentation which shoulders half your mark for the semester.

You get to share the same talents as your soulmate and you probably hit the jackpot because it’s the first time you’ve ever touched this instrument but you’re quite the professional at it, what? Shredding? I don’t know what that is but—oh… hey okay, I just did it I think.

The Red String of Fate exists, and only some people have the ability to see the strings, and these people can actually cut strings and knot other people’s strings in to alter the soulmate laws. Your best friend’s wedding is tomorrow and they know you can see the string. They ask you to help them defy the laws of the universe and help them be with the person they love even though they know that’s not their soulmate. You know they love each other so much so you help them, even though the person your best friend’s marrying/your best friend is your soulmate.

How about like the colors AU except it can be your voice or your hearing instead that comes and goes when your soulmate dies. Imagine how your soulmate’s voice is the first and the last thing you’ll ever hear.

So I decided to just make a post of all the ideas I’ve thought of so far for each theme! I tried to think of things I haven’t read before but I’m pretty sure with tons of people out there, some of these are sure to exist already. I was also planning to write more but maybe next time, my heart hurts already from typing these ;////;)’

I hope you guys like it though and please feel free to add on to this or make these into stories ~~please I’ll love you forever and tag me please I’d love to read them.~~

++ justfandomwritings is queen of Soulmate AUs, and I’d like to dedicate this to her because she’s amazing and so much more ♥ ^^

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Soulmate AU Story Ideas